My ducks aren't in a row and the Number 5

The first part of this post was written about a month or so ago but is just now being posted along with the fostering journey update. Sooo--- read all the way to the end for it to all come together and make sense.  Happy Wednesday! :)

My personality is type A.

I like everything to be organized and in its place. I thrive off of a schedule and constantly want to know exactly what is going to unfold every step of the way. I don't necessarily strive for perfection so much as I strive for stability and control. I struggle with unpredictability and the unknown.

At the end of the day, I like all of my ducks in a row--A neat, straight, predictable, organized row.

And over the last several weeks it's been anything but that. My ducks have not been in a row.

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"and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." Isaiah 33:6

The last several weeks (for me personally) have been extremely trying in the journey of fostering. Once again that four letter word came up that I have this love/hate relationship with.

WAIT.

"Make me to know your ways Oh Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long." Psalm 26:5-6

I have had to wait. Wait for my phone ring, wait for questions to be answered, wait for emails to be responded to, wait to see how the scenario unfolds. It's been a long several weeks of waiting.

 I have not waited well.

 I have failed miserably.

Over the span of my teenage and adult life, and especially over the last few years as a mom, I have spent much of my time trying to control situations that are completely out of my control. I have missed opportunities & situations & people & ministry that the Lord has had right in front of my face.


It was not until early in morning this past week around at 5:45 a.m. that I was upstairs feeding a bottle to a little one who the Lord had right in front of my face-I was physically holding him, I was sobbing, & I was broken.

The Lord completely opened my eyes to the fact that I have failed in my waiting- I have not been waiting contently with JOY while LIVING IN THE PRESENT. I have been so fixated on controlling possible placements, social workers, paper work, phone calls, etc. that I have been missing what the Lord has daily laid out before me--what the Lord has placed right in front of me.

Before me today in this very moment is:

-My relationship with Christ--Something that is supreme & should always be above all else. At the end of every day nothing else matters but for me to know Christ more and to make Him known.

-My husband who loves me selflessly and unconditionally-even in my crazy he loves me and for that can I get an AMEN >insert christian emoji praise Jesus hands :)

-My two boys who need me in the present right here and right now as their mom. To be their mom is truly and honor and a privilege every.single.day.

-Our faith family and other ministry opportunities: I can't begin to explain what a true joy it is to be in ministry. I can't imagine not being a minister's wife. Serving alongside my spouse is incredible!

-Friends who are more like family: When I start thinking about the deep rooted friendships that the Lord has right before me on a daily basis it is overwhelming. To have friends that love me in spite of my imperfections is humbling.

Even though we no have idea about what placements the Lord has for our future, it's my job to be in the here and the now contently waiting with joy. Not trying to control every single little tiny thing but to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

When my ducks aren't in a row,
I'm learning it's ok.

So after my 5:45am meltdown I chose the rest of the day to not dwell on what I couldn't control but to

enjoy what was right before me.

A sweet little one got to stay with us this weekend and it was amazing. The social worker brought him over Thursday evening around dinner time. She rang the doorbell and introduced herself then had me follow her out to the car to meet little one. I opened that van door and was greeted by the sweetest, timid little face. He had curls that made me melt and deep dimples that stretched from one side of his face to the other.

It was a sweet and special two days with little one. Two days that will forever be etched into my mind.

Praise the Lord when my ducks are not in a neat, straight, predictable, organized row my Savior is constantly faithful and is always steady!

-------------------And literally within hours of writing the above post, everything changed.---------------

After multiple months of waiting, praying, longing, and desiring what the Lord had placed on our hearts almost exactly a year ago.....

The call came, the yes was said, & we became a family of 5. 

We have been blessed with the opportunity to stroll another stroller during family outings, to add second highchair during dinner time, to buckle another car seat into the mini-van.

The situation was all Jesus.

The timing was all Jesus. 

The working of every detail was all Jesus.

Little one has been such a blessing since officially moving into our home. There has for sure been a period of adjustment for everyone yet it has been one of the most precious times within our family unit that I have ever experienced. 

The amount of diapers I am changing in a day is hilarious.

Getting little one and my youngest on the same schedule was a challenge but praise the Lord I think we have accomplished it. Get I get an AMEN!

Sometimes everyone is crying all at once and JAM and I just look at each other and laugh because, what else are we going to do!?!? :)

The amount of baby blocks and teething toys, trains, and tractors that are currently residing in my living room floor makes it seem like we are camping out in the local Babies/Toys R US

We have all settled into a groove and even though going from 2 to 3 has been a change, it's the change I've longed for, prayed for, and a change I'm incredibly thankful for. 

For all of those who have made this statement to me in the last few weeks, thank you for the reminder:

"You sure do have your hands full....."

and my response is (almost) always

"Thank you, FULL is exactly where we desire to be!"


Joyfully today in this present moment-
I am incredibly thankful for the Number 5.